I think I'm gonna have some chocolate and vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup.

I ordered a new credit card and am waiting for it to come in the mail so I can buy things.  First, I'm getting one of the lesser expensive Google Chromebooks because the keys sometimes stick on this one.

So, no plans for school, training, just learning violin on my own.  I can use my money to eat and buy some things I need now.

I don't want to grow old with my parents in Orlando.  I had thoughts of auditioning to go back to my old college.  I was thinking of moving to Germany, but I'm not sure how that would go.  I do want to teach myself German still, using Duo Lingo and Tinycards on my cellphone.

Glad I can teach myself violin best.

Modeling is money, I better wait.  No school, neither.

I'm feeling a little laid back.  What can I do?  Do I need to sleep again?  Why?

I slept for about 12 hours but I woke up like 3 times in between not terribly tired each time but sorta.

It feels like, even within a message board among others, some topics are off limits of mention.

Why do people like socially eliminating other people in life?  It seems to catch on to others if they do it.

Why do people fight over people like Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Ellen DeGeneres?  Even if people like watching them, people still are troubled by the statement made and constantly nag and give others such a hard time about it, somehow.  I think it's because some people like people who make these problems more than people who don't.  It's like they never grew up.

no steps to memorize like ballet

I might do modeling classes, just so I can do something at a good pace.

I really put my all into violin, but I feel both discouraged and encouraged.  I even was blamed like I was rebelling to do modelling, too, if I can afford it on side of saving for doing some music in Germany.

What with my room clean, I am all set to go, nothing to worry about.

I can't exactly pinpoint why, but I said I felt pushed to do something other than violin because I don't wanna live at home forever and not travel somewhere out of Orlando again.  I hope I can do classical music, in some way.  The modeling is fun, too, no lines to memorize.

I don't want to take acting again.  I don't want to give up violin and sing more.  I wonder if I should take modeling class.  My other thing was going to Germany, to live there if I'm still interested in watching music there.

If this doesn't work out, I still have some interest.  I wonder if I should pick 2 things.  After all, I don't work.

I don't care if I'm not the 1st violinist but hope I'm not in the back.  I always thought, in orchestras, you get "parts," but violins are usually not, unless you're one of the best.

I am depressed I'm not really good at violin, but it's a rewarding experience that someday I may be in an orchestra.  I kinda wanna enjoy watching performances, too, so I'm not sure what I'll do.  I was thinking of having a lesser fun making CDs.  I was good at piano/organ, but I'm not sure what I'm good at now.

Orchestras are okay.  I just realize they are inflexible and maybe I should look into other things, though I don't know how if I'm tired on psychotic medicine where I sleep 12 hours a day and learn violin.  There's really no way out.  I guess I'm upset I'm not doing piano or organ because I know I could play.  I was encouraged in organ, but I lost those skills more than piano because I did piano longer, though maybe I was equally good at both, in some way.  I might be good at music to a degree, but I am not a social violinist.

Reply on a Message Board to Another Poster by Me

I'm no expert in anything. I can only give you life experiences.

You keep speaking of others, friends, people, etc… What I'm saying is the only person you need to answer to you. You need to be able to live yourself first. If things in your life aren't working then it's up you to change it. You can't rely on others. Once you get rid of the negatives in your life you can then start to be satisfied.

Okay. I was happy with violin. I just don't know if I can do it.

I never meant to say you weren't good enough. People will treat you the way you treat them. If they don't then it's time to move on from them.

Yea, things are good. I just hope I can actually play, violin.

Find your one true passion and go for it. If it's music then put everything into that and never look back. It doesn't matter what others think. If it's your passion then it's worth doing. Only you can can dictate your life.

It's funny I was a music major, but I mightn't mind being a singer. Maybe, acting is a bit far fetched to pursue, anyway, considering I'd been doing music growing up.

What I meant as far as relationships is if you expect certain things of others you can be disappointed. Try to only rely on yourself first.

Well, it seems like things were okay until other people involved themselves, like the person I have a relationship with needed them. It was too much, and sacrifices were made on my part like you said, if something bothers you eliminate it, except that thing that was eliminated was something about me, to other people and in some ways how the person I have a relationship can feel about me, pretty sick that people can do that and just figure it already happened.

There's nothing wrong with people liking you. You just can't expect that everybody will like you. That's not realistic. We're all different. That's what I mean if somebody in you life is bringing you pain then it's better to eliminate them. I know it sounds harsh and it's difficult but it really is better for your peace of mind.

If other people broke something in my life, I intend to get it fixed. That happens to be another person in some "relationship.

Yes, if you're looking for answers by posting on these kinds of places that doesn't make sense. Most of the time in can be more detrimental to you.

Right, but sometimes I feel accused for posting about the truth, like instead of looking for help am looking to demand and nobody wants me because it's an accident.

I'll say it one more time, if people are judging and getting angry with you for things you do then maybe these are not the people you want in your life.

I know, but people know about the person I like and won't stop bothering us.

People basically seem almost as though they have succeeded in taking a relationship away from me. I'm always told I'm bad to have it, it seems. That effects day-to-day, eventually, and what seems to be true or necessary. Relationships are an important thing because people are supposedly important. I like this relationship a lot. However, when I hear myself say I like my relationship, I used to feel encouraged and now feel cast away.

So, how can I eliminate people in public constantly thinking about us because it supposedly made the person I have a relationship with uncomfortable? Even if they care and don't try to stir things up, I'm worried the relationship still is uncomfortable. I think maybe not, but it might be a little of both enjoyment and being nervous, which in general nervousness is okay.

Supposedly, people know about what she thinks in ways she doesn't seem to say herself. She used to not be upset herself with me. People just keep wanting to say I'm being selfish because she has a relationship with me. How do I get rid of those people? That's something that makes her uncomfortable about me.

Thanks for all your help and support while I figure these thoughts. You basically are into elimination. Is this a forever strategy or hoping things will iron out, like if someone else distracted other people instead of my relationship? I used to be seen as amazing for dealing with a lot of people knowing me, but now it's like I'm not needed and I can't believe it, just because the person I had a relationship with got it, instead.

To answer your next question, I think Ellen DeGeneres somehow "telepathically" channeled my relationship to the world when Hillary Clinton lost the Presidential Election in 2016, and my relationship has become exploited. Her reason is because she thinks my generation's parents are hard on us and she doesn't want to get in trouble by letting us have too good of a time, in ways we want to, even when it doesn't have to do with her. It seems like one element of being gay? to go further, I mean to worry about being too nice to people with harsh parents. Not sure if you/anyone gets this, already or something. I don't enjoy being put on the spotlight about this if no one's supposed to talk about it. Ellen DeGeneres is so critical and others about how I talk about them.

I don't know why people are so offensively good-to-go about the fact that my relationship is partially ruined. Also, I was interested in someone else and lost more of my relationship when I was through with the other person, who still comes into my life sometimes that I thought wouldn't bother me, while others don't do that. I think some people I knew turned on me, too, rather than have a healthy distance.

I'm upset that I keep getting in trouble if I think of a bad word by accident when people are mean to me a lot. If so, they ruin my relationship for the time being supposedly in some way.

I am sad about how I sit here and people who monitor my life "have" to get in on the action but have to be right, when they're just getting in on the action. This isn't perfect and ruins it, too.

I'm sick of people patrolling the knowledge that I had a good relationship and they think I didn't deserve it and took it away, in some ways. Sick and gay. They keep making up an excuse saying I wasn't good enough and they're offering my relationship an alternative. I'm not even on my relationship's case, so-to-speak, just have a good relationship. These people just keep making themselves seem important and social to sacrifice my having a good relationship, without knowing what's right and following through what's right. They aren't just having a nice time. They're ruining it specifically, but they get permission and don't make the right decision; Orlando is weird, and other places might not be like this now.

People are afraid of being responsible for the fact I get attention, too. The people who "monitor me..." seemed to disappear in 2005, which is also the year they appeared, and came back when I started watching Ellen DeGeneres in 2012. They bothered me now, though, like Ellen DeGeneres was afraid to be nice to me because people see me as in trouble according to my dad... So, it's like they're here for Ellen DeGeneres. Other people were actually involved, too. I'm not sure why they disappeared and my life was made miserable too though. I felt set up, like this this you might want to think, like I can't have a relationship with anyone. I mean, was I just having problems? I was getting manipulated. I used to be into Tim Burton and Johnny Depp because they were popular etc., same with Ellen DeGeneres. I really do eliminate people from my life that seem to bounce back in things we did, according to others. I even eliminated church. I just didn't eliminate things like my relationship, you know? I like that person. I am nice to others, who aren't so nice to me in the end, so many well-regarded people.

So, I already listened to your advice about elimination. I eliminated relationships that went wrong or that I grew tired of in some way. I eliminated things that got in the way, like church and school and work for now since I live at home. What now? Why do people keep coming back who bother me?

I've sacrificed so much and prized this relationship, but it's not okay in certain ways like it was before because they became popular over me, whereas before it was me and I had my relationship. I'm not supposed to think about how I also am well-know because it makes my relationship uncomfortable. Not sure who says this, but now the relationship is so important to others that she can't talk about this part of life, which I don't know if it's important, seems to be for the relationship now. In that thinking, you'd say the relationship didn't want this fame and then shouldn't have it. However, people bet to differ. You seem to be in on people in general like this, though, saying just to forget about such a good relationship being ruined just by other people. You haven't said anything about how sweet relationships are and how sad it is. I hope you're not just jealous out of nowhere in this specific case and upset. It's okay if it sounds cool, though, and you're interested and into it...?

Okay, I know I watched Dr. Phil once for awhile, and he just solves things by eliminating relationships. I don't want to eliminate just any relationship because other people traumatized them. I eliminated other things to focus on making life better. Are you saying I don't seem good enough and I should forget it? It's not just something to brush aside as dead. It's a person. Some people need to stop exploiting my relationship and teasing the person not to care about me, surrounding the person on every side. I don't know why it's hard to ignore, but I think the person has it better where they are and not everyone always batshit crazy in every way, like a lot of people here in Orlando.


What do you think about that? I thought I'd fill you in what you seem to be missing. Guessing you don't have an answer, but thanks for your advice, thus far.

What's the hold-up?  Was my generation cancelled?

I posted this on a message board, when I posted there the blog post here titled "Anyone wanna talk?" in reply to another poster.


People think they can prove I'm the last person in to be counted as not worth it and in submission to "them" whoever "them" is… I had to move to Orlando with my family during college. Many people here act very annoyingly. I don't start anything with anyone. I just try to defend myself without them following and reacting to me every move. Maybe, it didn't affect my life too much, maybe things are getting better, but after 13 years of waste and lack of productivity to yield results I would see in the present.

So, I have this relationship, and everyone is acting like they are just playing around but are really giving me a miserable time, beating me up thinking I lost the relationship. I never saw them in real life and haven't told anyone who they were.

I wanted to be successful, probably for some social reasons. They said I was too shy to continue singing in college and I left. I lost everything, while others receive all the glory. I was interested in acting, but I already knew that doing the arts was better. When I was interested in things other than acting, my life was more profitable.

Everyone just cowers and says too bad but says it's okay to exploit my relationship. People in my life are "going along with me" thinking they made it this way on purpose and that my relationship goes along with the crowd, too.

It looks like it's too bad and pretty much you were completely nice to me, maybe didn't make complete sense in having a fighting point for what's normally right. I really am gonna remain, well, dejected. I'm not accepting any people who tell me it's too bad I don't need my relationship. I didn't even ask for that point. I had it, and bad people are in the way. I'm not even supposed to forget about it for awhile or forever. What am I supposed to do with all these different entities and signs in my life, things pointing me in different directions?

I started violin late and am doing well. I already swore my interest in the orchestra. I wanted to watch an orchestra in Germany that might be splitting up partially. I still like them. I used to do piano/organ/singing so was always used to being heard. Still, orchestral music is best and many great people must have a great time, though I assume it gets easier the better you get. So, then I also felt pulled to act. I miss ballet and minored in it in that school that kicked me out of singing. I'm not sure what I can do at this point. I'm so mad I want to be good at something but keep feeling made fun of.

So, I am upset I am unsuccessful at age 32 and am sad my parental generation is getting older and my generation's grandparents some are very old. My relationship with someone might seem okay sometimes, but then I deal with weird messages where people exploit the person and what I was wondering if anyone wanted to talk to me about was how I keep suffering the relationship, if I accidentally think of a bad word or something, more if I show any physical sign of anger, though I don't think that always works. I want to do something, but music is serious and I don't want to mess it up doing something else, too. I feel lonely how I keep being in trouble with my relationship for the reasons I said, like if I accidentally think of a bad word and people know…

I guess the point is moreso I am not on good terms about a relationship. I'm not supposed to forget it for awhile, but if anything bothers people about me in certain ways it affects the relationship for some reason because people act that way. The 2nd point was not really knowing what I want to do in music, want to be in an orchestra maybe though I may not be able to do anything. I also have to be on psychiatric pills if I live at home, and it makes me sleep 12 hours a day. I want to learn German, too, so I can move to Germany and experience music there. I'm just worried about being in an orchestra and making a commitment. I have to make money in some way, though. I guess I want to catch performances I like rather than be tied down as a performer in some ways. Maybe, I'll just make CDs, but I'm not good enough to play concertos. I'm just organizing my life, I don't expect anyone to do anything, but I am still confused if it's because A) I'm in trouble for throwing the water bottle on the floor B) people are in the way saying I'm evil and don't deserve such a found out good relationship for me or C) it was never meant to be, which I could settle with better than being evil… I also don't know if it was good for me to do something or not. Do I just sit in my room in my parents's house and rot? I do things. Like I said, I want to, I guess, investigate music or study in Europe, to live there and learn the language. I have to become something, not tossed out in the end because people told them bad things about me. People think they "caught me in the act" when I wasn't doing anything about people meeting me, like they don't want me to ever meet any person or have a good time in life. I understand I can be by myself in reality, but if I talk to someone I don't want people in the way saying it's important because I'm evil. Now, that's tacky.

You said relying on friends could make use disappointed. Well, I don't know if it was planned anyway, but people tried to split me up with a relationship I really like a lot. That's not the relationship's fault, in that way. People think I'm a relationship especially to be off the hook with, with nothing in store otherwise to speak of. People really are such chickens, all not being sure about this. Some people get it, though, and are swift about it. They don't get in the way of course and don't even "need" to talk to me.

It seems like you're also trying to say I wasn't good enough anyway and to cheer up. Is it because I threw a water bottle on the floor?

Thanks so much for your encouragement; do you have anything else to say that interests you? Sorry, no one will probably answer you, other than me. I could say more, but I have a feeling I'm starting to go in circles. I mean, what's wrong with the person liking me? Why do people keep getting in the way! It's okay in some ways, but it's too much to ignore and some places a lotta people seem all panicky and life is worse because of some people. If I wasn't in trouble, I might not have as many problems neither. I'm mostly in trouble for signs of being upset physically in public at people who act mean around me, like I stomp my foot a little or try to look at them sternly. I try to stop and have mostly. Well, that's why. People are mean to me, though, and that's why! They really did it. I don't care how. I just stomped a little, and when people kept doing it more sometimes I stomp louder next. Some people are so awkward with bemused looks and "evil" grins. If I look at someone, they bother me more, too. Maybe, people should talk about that. I've already called the police to talk about it.

Oh well, you're right, but I feel in trouble for trying to solve problems posting, too, and that doesn't make sense. People make up things, too, about what I really meant.

There's not much to say or do, but do you feel sorta emotional how sweet life must be for people with sexy moms?

The next excuse is that magic might exist instead and maybe I'm the last thing on earth anyone would consider okay to co-exist with.

I could get along with Europeans better, but Americans are trying to stop me on account of I'm 1/2 Asian.  It comes up in the process of communicating with them.

Anyone wanna talk?

Orlando ruined a relationship I had because I threw a water bottle on the ground when everyone around me was really trying to get under my skin and bother me.

I feel guilty about having anything, sometimes, now.

I wonder if I'm miserable how I'm treated because people are freaking out trying to get me to feel bad that no one can get along with me that seem attractive.  It seems people manipulated my life the wrong way.

I don't like the way some people think about me, like I'm "a case."  I grew up being about perfectly well-behaved, and now people make me really mad and say I'm no good because I got mad at people being mean to me, which they do a lot in how they act.

I knew it'd be a toss-up on how annoying it is I have to battle weird ideas of things people want and how people think I'm bad and demanding it in my own way, like my way about things, like they think other people do, too, with things.  It's like people accept me and then others say I forced them and need to not communicate.  It's a toss-up about that and how I'm treated, but I think I'm treated that way because of it.

These problems prevail in some of the US.  Sometimes, other countries don't have to deal with these problems.

I used to be encouraged, and now I keep being told I'm trying to force people to do things for me.  If anyone does anything for me, people tell me I'm bad!  What is their problem!  They are freaks!  I am afraid they are unintelligent.  They are easily persuaded and worried and make snap decisions that affect their lives.  I cannot live with juggling messages I did not even request.  I was off and happy, and now I'm the juggled bad guy.

I guess people were right.  Hollywood is shit.  Don't throw your worthless life away to be even more worthless.  It's all about people who play music, sing, and do ballet.  I was interested in a specialty already.

People are putting me in the wrong, saying I demand people to do things somehow.  I always was very polite about this and said no one had to do anything for me.

I just know that people seemed to get in the way of my life.  I'm not supposed to forget it.

I am sad about my life, too, and I don't really know how to be happy.  I want some kind of field of expertise, like my lifelong dream, and to live in Europe.  I'm too old for anyone to care about me now in the real world.

So, if I was born as a Late Boomer or their Generation Z kid, I would be worthy of being happy socially?  I am kinda happy, but a lot of strange things happen, where I'm apprehensive of life and trying to concentrate.

Not everyone does music, but anyone can do art.

I saw a young American couple move to Switzerland.  I hope I can move to Europe, too, specifically Germany also for its classical music, primarily my learning violin and being a former piano major.