I posted this on a message board, when I posted there the blog post here titled "Anyone wanna talk?" in reply to another poster.


People think they can prove I'm the last person in to be counted as not worth it and in submission to "them" whoever "them" is… I had to move to Orlando with my family during college. Many people here act very annoyingly. I don't start anything with anyone. I just try to defend myself without them following and reacting to me every move. Maybe, it didn't affect my life too much, maybe things are getting better, but after 13 years of waste and lack of productivity to yield results I would see in the present.

So, I have this relationship, and everyone is acting like they are just playing around but are really giving me a miserable time, beating me up thinking I lost the relationship. I never saw them in real life and haven't told anyone who they were.

I wanted to be successful, probably for some social reasons. They said I was too shy to continue singing in college and I left. I lost everything, while others receive all the glory. I was interested in acting, but I already knew that doing the arts was better. When I was interested in things other than acting, my life was more profitable.

Everyone just cowers and says too bad but says it's okay to exploit my relationship. People in my life are "going along with me" thinking they made it this way on purpose and that my relationship goes along with the crowd, too.

It looks like it's too bad and pretty much you were completely nice to me, maybe didn't make complete sense in having a fighting point for what's normally right. I really am gonna remain, well, dejected. I'm not accepting any people who tell me it's too bad I don't need my relationship. I didn't even ask for that point. I had it, and bad people are in the way. I'm not even supposed to forget about it for awhile or forever. What am I supposed to do with all these different entities and signs in my life, things pointing me in different directions?

I started violin late and am doing well. I already swore my interest in the orchestra. I wanted to watch an orchestra in Germany that might be splitting up partially. I still like them. I used to do piano/organ/singing so was always used to being heard. Still, orchestral music is best and many great people must have a great time, though I assume it gets easier the better you get. So, then I also felt pulled to act. I miss ballet and minored in it in that school that kicked me out of singing. I'm not sure what I can do at this point. I'm so mad I want to be good at something but keep feeling made fun of.

So, I am upset I am unsuccessful at age 32 and am sad my parental generation is getting older and my generation's grandparents some are very old. My relationship with someone might seem okay sometimes, but then I deal with weird messages where people exploit the person and what I was wondering if anyone wanted to talk to me about was how I keep suffering the relationship, if I accidentally think of a bad word or something, more if I show any physical sign of anger, though I don't think that always works. I want to do something, but music is serious and I don't want to mess it up doing something else, too. I feel lonely how I keep being in trouble with my relationship for the reasons I said, like if I accidentally think of a bad word and people know…

I guess the point is moreso I am not on good terms about a relationship. I'm not supposed to forget it for awhile, but if anything bothers people about me in certain ways it affects the relationship for some reason because people act that way. The 2nd point was not really knowing what I want to do in music, want to be in an orchestra maybe though I may not be able to do anything. I also have to be on psychiatric pills if I live at home, and it makes me sleep 12 hours a day. I want to learn German, too, so I can move to Germany and experience music there. I'm just worried about being in an orchestra and making a commitment. I have to make money in some way, though. I guess I want to catch performances I like rather than be tied down as a performer in some ways. Maybe, I'll just make CDs, but I'm not good enough to play concertos. I'm just organizing my life, I don't expect anyone to do anything, but I am still confused if it's because A) I'm in trouble for throwing the water bottle on the floor B) people are in the way saying I'm evil and don't deserve such a found out good relationship for me or C) it was never meant to be, which I could settle with better than being evil… I also don't know if it was good for me to do something or not. Do I just sit in my room in my parents's house and rot? I do things. Like I said, I want to, I guess, investigate music or study in Europe, to live there and learn the language. I have to become something, not tossed out in the end because people told them bad things about me. People think they "caught me in the act" when I wasn't doing anything about people meeting me, like they don't want me to ever meet any person or have a good time in life. I understand I can be by myself in reality, but if I talk to someone I don't want people in the way saying it's important because I'm evil. Now, that's tacky.

You said relying on friends could make use disappointed. Well, I don't know if it was planned anyway, but people tried to split me up with a relationship I really like a lot. That's not the relationship's fault, in that way. People think I'm a relationship especially to be off the hook with, with nothing in store otherwise to speak of. People really are such chickens, all not being sure about this. Some people get it, though, and are swift about it. They don't get in the way of course and don't even "need" to talk to me.

It seems like you're also trying to say I wasn't good enough anyway and to cheer up. Is it because I threw a water bottle on the floor?

Thanks so much for your encouragement; do you have anything else to say that interests you? Sorry, no one will probably answer you, other than me. I could say more, but I have a feeling I'm starting to go in circles. I mean, what's wrong with the person liking me? Why do people keep getting in the way! It's okay in some ways, but it's too much to ignore and some places a lotta people seem all panicky and life is worse because of some people. If I wasn't in trouble, I might not have as many problems neither. I'm mostly in trouble for signs of being upset physically in public at people who act mean around me, like I stomp my foot a little or try to look at them sternly. I try to stop and have mostly. Well, that's why. People are mean to me, though, and that's why! They really did it. I don't care how. I just stomped a little, and when people kept doing it more sometimes I stomp louder next. Some people are so awkward with bemused looks and "evil" grins. If I look at someone, they bother me more, too. Maybe, people should talk about that. I've already called the police to talk about it.

Oh well, you're right, but I feel in trouble for trying to solve problems posting, too, and that doesn't make sense. People make up things, too, about what I really meant.